“In a relationship of value use conflict as an opportunity to see the other individual more clearly.”
Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
Y'all already know how much I love This Is Us, but I feel compelled to declare it once more. I love This Is Us. The show is straight up magic and the writers are a dream. I would love to just sit at their metaphorical feet and learn their ways. We also know the writers words would mean little if they didn’t have outstanding actors to breathe life into them. The powers that be got it right with this show because it is comprehensively the bomb.
The entire cast is stellar, but I absolutely do have my favorite characters. Randall and Beth, otherwise known as R&B, are my dream characters. I see my husband and I in both of them. And isn’t referring to them as R&B, i.e. Rhythm and Blues, totally appropriate? Yesssss. Because sometimes marriage is all Ain’t Nobody(Chaka Khan) and other times it’s more End of the Road(Boys II Men). You feel me??
The last few weeks have almost exclusively focused on Randall and Beth. I’ve had some loving, harsh words for Randall recently. I love him SO much, but bruh has been T R Y I N G it. I’ll admit I lost faith in him. I wasn’t sure his love for Beth was greater than his need to be seen and valued by the masses. His abandonment issues have always left him striving for worthiness outside of himself.
I’m so happy I was wrong. The sigh that escaped my body was definitely audible when I realized the two would find their way back to each other. They found the door. Even as a fictional couple, I understand the impact of authentic representation.
Marriage is both fragile and strong. I love This Is Us most because they don’t tell a quick, easy, neat, romanticized story. Oh no. They instead opt for the truth. I find myself connecting and reflecting on the bumps, bruises and triumphs in my own marriage. I still don’t know everything. In fact, the center of my marriage philosophy is found in the Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville song, I Don’t Know Much… But I Know I Love You. Still, there are things I share because maybe my perspective will help someone on their journey.
Don’t Simmer. Turn it up or turn it off
In episode 17 of season 3 Randall told Beth, “We can’t keep simmering like this forever.” Those of us who have been in any relationship know all too well the accuracy of that statement.
Do ya’ll know how much food I have burned up because I was letting it simmer??? I don’t know about you, but I sometimes forget about a simmering pot. It’s less of a priority because it’s low and slow. It’s not rattling its’ top. It’s not whistling. It’s giving me no indication that it needs my immediate attention. So, I take for granted that it will be ok.
It doesn’t matter how low a pot cooks, if left unattended, eventually it will burn.
You know what simmering is in a relationship. There’s no explicit thing to point to or put your finger on. It’s a collection of things. It’s a slow, steady rumble of negativity. It’s rolling your eyes when he talks. It’s quick, short answers. It’s being relieved when he leaves and irritated when he returns. It’s pulling yourself into yourself so that maybe when you pass each other you won’t be touched.
Y’all know what I’m talking about. It’s being mad as hell and saying nothing. It’s toxic. My advice? Don’t simmer. Boil that motherfucker. (Language, Stephanie!) Yep. I said it. Sometimes, you need to break it to fix it. Before my dad calls a repairman he always works on it first to make sure it’s actually broken when they get there. Same thing. Don’t wonder or have suspicions that the relationship is in trouble. Say those words. Speak that resentment and hurt. Tell the truth.
The relationship can’t be fixed if no one will admit it’s broken.
Not for nothin, eventually the relationship will break open anyway without the benefit of your input and it won’t be pretty. All this “I’m not going to explain myself to nobody. He should already know how I feel.” Listen. It’s toxic. It’s dysfunctional. Everybody’s holding their breath. Waiting… Nope. Blow it up. Lift up the blinds on y’all bullshit. “We’re not rocking right, Baby.” Or “I feel like our energy is off.” Orrrrr… Call it explicitly, “Are you upset with me? We need to talk.”
Silence is fertilizer that grows doubt and mistrust. When you think you’re right, silence feels vindicating. It’s a punishment for the one who wronged you. Most of us have been conditioned to be quiet when we’re angry. I’ve never witnessed ANYTHING broken miraculously fix itself. You’ve heard or said, “I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.” I say, why not? You’re already thinking it. You might as well say it.
The silence between you should only last long enough to find the love and respect necessary to have a productive conversation.
The truth hurts isn’t a cliche; it’s the truth. Never allow potential or anticipated hurt to keep you from speaking the truth in your relationships. I believe you can say anything to anyone with love and respect. Your marriage, your relationship, your friendships deserve the effort of verbally working through the tough stuff. There are so many more words I have, but I don’t wanna wear y’all out. The bottom line: In a relationship of value you will use conflict as an opportunity to see the other individual more clearly. You will lay down your ego because it has no place and use vulnerability to show that you are invested and worthy of trust… None of that can happen in silence.
Say what you need to say to who you need to say it to…
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences. -Stephanie