The new year is here. We’re over a week into 2020 and things are moving along swimmingly. For me, 2019 was a humdinger for sure and I made it… so did you. There’s victory in that. Sometimes, we get so excited about new opportunities and expectations that we neglect to give weight and respect to what we’ve already made it through.
We don’t want to keep our eyes fixed on the rearview mirror, BUT every now and again you need to take a glance. Let it show you what you made it through, the ways you conquered things that were trying to conquer you and let it all paint a picture of your accomplishments and work that still needs to be done.
To that end, I want to walk us through things we need to do to elevate ourselves in the next year and beyond. Some of these things are written specifically with me in mind and some are for you, but they’ll all work together for our good.
When people see you, you look good. People love you, you laugh a lot… by societies standards you’re successful, you have friends and you’re gorgeous. You don’t see what they see.
Depression distorts the lens of your life.
You don’t see whole reflections. Your view is produced by a dirty, broken mirror.
The first thing you hear when you wake up, the last thing you hear before you go to bed and in every single free space in between, your mind hears that sad song and those demeaning words together, infinitely looped… convincing you that this world and you would be better served without your existence.
I don’t like belaboring anything. I work hard, in fact, not to do it because it’s rooted in ego; not understanding… annnnd I don’t like it done to me. I am a person who will travel to a far away land in my mind if someone keeps saying the same thing repeatedly after I’ve demonstrated understanding. However, there is a distinct difference between belaboring and reminding or reinforcing.
*Stick with me. This isn’t a thesis.
Belaboring speaks to continued talking for the purpose of self-aggrandisement after the point is made and understood. It’s for the speaker. Reminding and reinforcing speaks to bridging the gap between knowing, understanding and execution. It’s for the recipient. Belaboring is punishment. Reminding and reinforcing are tools of continued learning.
I said all that to say, personal evolution is hard AF, and not enough people understand this.
The world would lead you to believe that it is impossible for women to share in loving, productive, symbiotic relationships. I think this is particularly true in portrayals of Black women, buuuuuut it’s fair to say that women of all races get a bad rap for how they interact with each other.
Blame misogyny. Blame patriarchy. Blame media.
For me, I think it is important to cast out these negative and false accounts regarding relationships between women. These accounts that portray us as overemotional, drama filled and in constant competition. I won't lie, I have had a bad interaction or two. However, over the course of my life it is my relationships with other women that have lifted me up and held me down. It is my relationships with women that have provided covering and protection.
Right up until the breathing I was like, “But when are we going to start doing yoga?” —Not realizing it started when I walked into the studio.
When I laid on the floor, breathing in through my nose, down into my belly, opening my rib cage… I stopped thinking about what was going to happen next. When I stood to learn Tadasana, a foundational yoga pose, I was so focused on my pelvis, the corners of my feet(I bet you didn't even know your feet had four corners. I certainly didn’t.), and breathing— I literally wasn’t thinking about a single other thing. I need yoga because I know it’s gonna teach me how to truly BE with myself.
I am so ready for this added layer of self discovery.
I can’t sleep. It is currently 2:06am and ya girl is sitting at the kitchen table talking to you. Not that I don’t enjoy y’all, but you know. The room is the right temperature, my bed is super comfy and I’m freakin sleepy. Not to mention my handsome, lightly snoring husband is up there. Buuuuuuut so is my toddler. So there’s that.
It’s raining cats and dogs, which usually equates to excellent sleep. Not today. Today I am awake. Because this rarely happens to me— I know something is up. I’ve always been a night owl, but this ain’t that. I am not currently choosing to be awake. My mind is trespassing. It won’t stop wandering over my life.
I wasn’t really mad about the letter itself. I was initially alarmed, but not mad. I became annoyed and irritated when the rep wouldn’t own that the letter was dishonest. What I quickly understood was that even though I was right; it didn’t matter. Also, Conner didn’t have the authority, awareness or capacity to apologize and I couldn’t make him. My feelings about this ultimately inconsequential situation were really about other people I have encountered in my life who are quick to deflect responsibility and refuse to own their mistakes and shortcomings.
I allowed myself to be triggered. I became angry and frustrated because I have not healed the places in my heart where people I have been in relationship with wouldn’t be honest and own their shit.
Here’s what I know. I know that in my past I have judged people for being in a way that made me uncomfortable. “Why is she so loud? Why does she always have something to say about everything? Damn.” These people usually irked me. They had not attacked me or been negative toward me in any way. And yet— I was annoyed.
I realized that my annoyance was about me; not them. It was directly related to my insecurities… to my fear. I was uncomfortable because these women were free in a way that I was not. They had either consciously or unconsciously decided that how they showed up in the world was not for the comfort of other folks. In other words— Their behavior was for them; not me.
I’m leaning into transparency and vulnerability today.
I want to apologize.
Life is hard. I don’t look at the world through rose colored lenses. I don’t think anyone should. I think you should work towards the life you want until you see the life you want. While I believe you can choose to be happy; I know it’s more nuanced than just deciding. For my friends and readers who are living with depression and anxiety. I see you. I am you.
Parenting is hard. I’ve said it in the past. I’m saying it now. And I’m pretty confident I’ll say it many times in the future. Parenting. Is. Hard. Everyone talks about baby showers, beautiful birth stories and funny toddler tales, but no one is discussing, flatly, the difficulty associated with raising children. Why can’t we stop using our children as a measurement of how much better we are than other mothers? Why don’t we all just admit we don’t know what the hell we’re doing and meet at Chili’s for $5 margaritas to discuss strategies and support each other???
Do I ground him for this? How many fruit snacks is too many? Should she be friends with that girl? Why won’t he stop lying? At what age should they date? How many wipes should I use before I give him a bath? How much fast food is too much fast food? Why am I more uncomfortable watching love scenes than violence with them? Is cookie dough really bad for them?
At the present moment I am feeling a little anxious about choices we are making for our children and choices they are making for themselves. This isn’t a positive or negative admission. It’s just me standing in my truth.
I believe there is a distinct difference between growth and evolution. I see growth as one dimensional. It’s either yes or no, up or down, left or right. Evolution is a comprehensive, multidimensional web of changes in multiple directions that contribute to your all encompassing wellness.
Growth is… I quit smoking because it’s unhealthy. Evolution is… The continuous pursuit of understanding and self awareness. Why did I begin smoking? What space was I trying to fill with cigarettes? Growth is movement on a chart. Evolution is the process of understanding that you have the power to create the chart.
To be clear, I’m here for all of it. Growth, change and evolution— Each declare: I am no longer standing in the same space.
I’m a sunshine girl. The sun makes me feel invigorated. It makes anything that I am doing so much better. It’s funny because as much as I love the actual sun; I am a huge proponent of carrying your sunshine on the inside. I determine my mood; not the weather. I am the thermostat.
Still, I’m not feeling it today. Which proves the journey of positive thinking and practice is ongoing.
Reflection helps me to be more intentionally empathetic. As an individual who isn’t living with anxiety, depression or grief, but who still feels”UGH!” During repeated overcast days; how do folks who regularly live with these negative emotions feel?
I love this platform… this blog I created to share my experiences and express myself. On the surface that’s what this blog is. It’s a tangible conduit for my thoughts. In essence, it’s a journal. A very public journal. Everything I write here is true. Don’t get me wrong, I love creative writing and I have some of that in my repertoire too. Still, the only creative license I take when writing here is the names I change to protect privacy.
I use my life as a catalyst for reflection. I am transparent to influence and impact those who humble me by reading my words. I think it’s funny though… Sometimes, I start writing and I influence and impact my own self #Winning. It can be frustrating because I start writing with the end in mind and then I get in it and reflection takes me somewhere else. I love writing. I love reflection more.
It follows that the time we get to live our best lives for our best selves is also incomplete.
I remember when Aaliyah died. I was so hurt. I met her once, but I didn’t know her. Still, I cried and lamented on a life lost way too soon. She felt like a friend. Her swag was ridiculous, we were close in age, and everyone loved her. Her death felt… close.
The one thing that made me feel better after her death was the life she led. She came from a wonderful family. She experienced great love and she accomplished so much. Regardless if you liked her singing or acting— She did it all. Aaliyah was a successful, world renowned artist. She was going for it. She was striving to live her best life. I was so proud of her for that then… even as I failed to give myself the same gift.
It’s time for some self-reflection. Hold up the mirror and hold that person accountable for the negative emotions felt when other people experience happiness you think belongs to you. The real problem might be that you spend too much time watching the moves of others when you should be making your own.
I was pretty rough and tumble as a child. I played with my brother and his friends all the time and wore my tomboy title like a badge of honor. I even earned a few bumps and bruises along the way. So, the scab didn’t concern me at all. I'm not a free range parent, but I'm also miles away from helicopter parenting. I mostly let children being children. They run, they play, they fall. The end.
My boy was up in his Nana's lap when she noticed the atrocity on his knee."What happened to my baby’s knee!?!” If your children have a Nana like my children; you know she acted like the boy had staples in his knee. She was appalled. So, I quickly told her what happened according to his father who was his caretaker at the time in question *snicker. At the end of my explanation, I gratuitously added, “And he didn’t even cry.” *insert my proud face
To be clear, social media doesn’t really make anyone hate their life. You hate your life because you hate your life. You continue to make the same choices, revisit the same places, roll around with the same individual and wonder why nothing in your life is different. I believe Einstein had words to say about that kind of behavior. He called it insanity. Einstein was correct. Imagine that. Unfortunately, you haven’t heard the wise words of the late great Einstein. So, you stay on the ferris wheel. Professing to hate every minute of it. Screaming to get off. Yet, never removing your safety belt. Never standing. Never being miserable enough to stop the revolutions.
"Love somebody. Just one person. And then spread that to two. And as many as you can. You'll see the difference it makes."
-Auntie Oprah Winfrey
Today, I’m wondering what’s on the inside of people. I’m reflecting on why humans lack humanity. Oh! The irony. Why is it easier to get in the negativity, the drama of life as opposed to the celebration of it. Particularly, on social media. Why do people watch videos that amuse them, but refuse to support a friend by hitting the like button? Why do videos have 330 views and 8 likes? Hey…. Somebody help me with the math. What is the probability that 330 individuals watched a video, but only 8 people liked it? If I’m honest, which I am… this is one of the areas of social media that grinds my gears. Why is it so difficult to show love and support for people that you actually know? How can a person post positivity and receive little to no support; then post negativity and be flooded with “support”?
Funny thing happened. Not funny funny, but funny like…. Things that make you go hmmmmmm. So one of my Facebook friends makes a post about a negative experience she had with a client. The client was displeased with her purchase and blasted the business on related social media pages. ARGH! Saying it was a mess would be putting it mildly. For the sake of full disclosure; I have used this business in the past and look forward to using it in the future. All of my experiences have been AWESOME. I’m getting away from the point. What is the point? Lemme finish the story and then I’ll get to the point a couple hundred words from now. Whatever. Judge your own self.
So, after the post was made she received hundreds of comments. The comments said everything from let’s whoop this trick together… to telling the business owner the post was unprofessional and she should remove it… to the ever useful… just pray about it. *insert side eye*. Anyway, I’m amazed. Not necessarily by the content of the comments, but more by the sheer volume of them. Why? Because I have been fb friends with this person for about five years and I have NEVER witnessed her receive even a third of this level of interaction on any other post. This revelation made me angry, annoyed and well… sad. Why Stephanie?
99% of what this business owner posts is positive. She primarily posts about her business and the success of her beloved child. She posts specials, she makes inquires about expanding her business and shares the success of her business. Each of these positive posts receive a handful of likes and comments in comparison to the one negative post. Now it’s my turn. WHY??? When she posts that it’s time for her to expand; why doesn’t she get 300 likes? When she posts pictures of the literal fruits of her labor; why doesn’t she get an engaged audience who wants to discuss how amazing her work is for days? I mean…. That’s what happened on the negative post. The fb community discussed it for DAYS.
And trust… I’m sitting on no fb friend moral high horse. I have witnessed this behavior on many pages. A wife posts photos of the beautiful “just because” lilies her husband sent her. CRICKETS!!! Let that same husband black her damn eye! Here they come out of the woodwork with their regrets and prayers. What is wrong with us as a society? Why are we so drawn to negativity? Why is it so easy to scroll past the love, the joy, the success? Why the begrudging of celebration? Lean in… Did you know that you can be happy for yourself and someone else at the same time? Better yet… Did you know your life can suck like a Hoover vacuum and you can still be happy for other people? HELLO??? Happiness for yourself and happiness for others is not mutually exclusive. You can do both at the same time. In fact, you might see the joy you extend to other folks manifest in your own life… But what do I know?
The point of it all, *in my Anthony Hamilton voice*, is to let the love out. When you catch yourself scrolling past the joy to get to the drama; check yourself. I was deeply disheartened by the behavior on my fb friends page because I know she’s a wonderful person. She, like all of us, deserves to be acknowledged, celebrated, encouraged and rooted for whether its raining or if the sun is shining. All I’m saying is… Don’t wait until someone is in the middle of a storm to offer your support. Some of us might start to think you were carrying your umbrella all along.
Hey! That’s all I got. Until next time… Choose you and don’t pass up positivity; spread it. Love y'all.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences.
