The new year is here. We’re over a week into 2020 and things are moving along swimmingly. For me, 2019 was a humdinger for sure and I made it… so did you. There’s victory in that. Sometimes, we get so excited about new opportunities and expectations that we neglect to give weight and respect to what we’ve already made it through.
We don’t want to keep our eyes fixed on the rearview mirror, BUT every now and again you need to take a glance. Let it show you what you made it through, the ways you conquered things that were trying to conquer you and let it all paint a picture of your accomplishments and work that still needs to be done.
To that end, I want to walk us through things we need to do to elevate ourselves in the next year and beyond. Some of these things are written specifically with me in mind and some are for you, but they’ll all work together for our good.
The holiday season is fully upon us. There’s less than one week before Christmas and I am super excited. Christmas is a family favorite. Obviously, the children love it because… GIFTS. I’ve tried to provide the giving is better than receiving narrative and they think that’s great and all, but they’re children. So yeah… YAY GIFTS!!! Hahaha!
I grew up in a house where Christmas was a big deal. I mean, multiple Christmas trees, decorations everywhere, gifts galore and the joy of the season in abundance. My mother orchestrated the production of Christmas and injected it into everyone around her. So, it still stands. The tradition is firmly planted.
Imma be honest though. Christmas stresses me out. We have four children. That’s a lot of seasonal “joy” to spread around. And it’s not even all the money. Trust— there’s a lot of it being spent. It’s the doing of it all. And I’m conflicted; right? Because I love the outcome of the doing. I even actually love the act of doing, but it is also wearing me out.
When people see you, you look good. People love you, you laugh a lot… by societies standards you’re successful, you have friends and you’re gorgeous. You don’t see what they see.
Depression distorts the lens of your life.
You don’t see whole reflections. Your view is produced by a dirty, broken mirror.
The first thing you hear when you wake up, the last thing you hear before you go to bed and in every single free space in between, your mind hears that sad song and those demeaning words together, infinitely looped… convincing you that this world and you would be better served without your existence.
I thought she just needed to warm up to the new school year. We were in a new grade, in a new building. Transitions can be challenging. I reasoned that anyone might need a few days to settle in. Then, things quickly escalated. She didn’t want to go to school. The final straw was when I had to go pick her up 2 days in a row because the office called me with her bawling in the background.
Up until that point I thought she was having a little separation anxiety. Which would have been standard. But, it wasn’t that she was crying. It was the way she was crying. The desperation and fear. The way she clung to me let me know that something was very wrong. This was more than separation anxiety. My girl… my effervescent star was losing her shine.
Social media in theory is an amazing tool for enhancing relationships. Too many of us are using it as the canvas for our relationships when it should only be one of the brushes we use to paint. It’s one way to manage relationships; not the only way. It’s supposed to bring us together, but the truth is that it does the exact opposite. It gives a false sense of unity because you can see what’s going on in the lives of others even when you’re not an active participant. Some of our friends are at the end of their proverbial rope and we don’t know because we’re using Facebook pictures and posts to determine their mental and emotional well being. You think you know what’s going on, but you really have no idea.
Smiling faces tell lies.
For me, it’s the difference between shopping online and walking into the store. From the comfort of your device you can see the color, size and fabric. That is good information. But… You cannot feel the weight of the material, the vibrance of the color or how it fits on your body.
When people we know, like and or love behave badly we want answers. I honestly think it’s a natural response. Inquiry and curiosity are tools we use to acquire information and keep ourselves safe. We assess situations and people and leverage a judgement based on what we know. BUT… How can we do that if we don’t know what happened and why?
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
-Dalai Lama
Somebody stiffed me y’all and I am pissed… and conflicted. I paid someone money for a product. They took my money and provided nothing. And while I am pissed; like put a cape on my ass pissed #SuperPissed, I am also feeling very sad and sorry for this individual. Before you go there— I’m being 100 percent genuine. No facetiousness. This person is a gifted artist and a gem of a human being. Period. I discovered those traits about him after many conversations and emails regarding the work he was contracted to do and life in general. So, more than I want to strangle him for leaving me high and dry; I want to wrap him in hugs and love. I think that’s what he needs most right now.
Ummm…. Stephanie? What are you saying? To be honest, a part of me isn’t sure because I’m still processing. Maybe I haven’t even let the dust settle enough, but I felt like talking to you guys about it. I think that sometimes people do stuff for inexplicable reasons. Sometimes they do it directly to us, sometimes to themselves and sometimes we catch the heat from what they thought was only effecting them. Collateral damage is more than a mediocre Arnold Schwarznegger film. His life is in shambles right now. Rather than call me, email me or write a message in the sky and say that to me; he’s hiding from me… under guilt and shame.
Now at this point we all know how I feel about guilt and shame. I rebuke it in the name of Jesus! No. Seriously. I’m no bible thumper, but I know some things. And I know that we were not created to live a life weighted with guilt and shame. Funny thing is my first thought about “the homie” was indeed anger and disappointment before I reflected on the circumstances more comprehensively. I legit had an Aha! moment like…. Dude, you have to live your message. Wait, what? Yep. You gotta BE who you say you are. I’m not gon lie I had an attitude about the revelation. I wanted to call him and go IN. Do you hear me??? IN!!! Instead, I thought about the space he might be in and the damage I might cause him by unleashing my verbal arsenal. Plus, it’s unlikely that my verbal explosion was going to miraculously cause him to crawl out of the funk of things to keep his word anyway. More than all that, I knew I could encourage, uplift and set expectations without demoralizing him or increasing his guilt and shame. I’m just not about that life anymore.
So where are we now? I haven’t heard from him. He didn’t complete the work or return my money. Still, my message to him remains… Take care of you. Take care of you. Am I disappointed and annoyed? Hella. It cost me more than the money. A lot of time and energy went in to the work we were doing together. But my heart… my soul is in tact. His is not. So hold a good thought for this man as I am. Check on your friends who are living with depression and anxiety. Be kind to folks even when they piss you off. You don’t know the road they’re on… Don’t be the car that runs them over. Peace y’all. As always #ChooseYou. Love you and see you soon.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression or anxiety; there's help. Do not suffer in silence. Visit www.nami.org or www.blindfaithchgo.org. Take care of you!
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences -Stephanie
Motherhood is a part of you; not the wholeness of you.
-Stephanie D. Pearson-Davis
I love you. I love you. I really do, but you gotta stop the madness. We all know that in this forum you get the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It’s what you signed up for; remember? If you didn’t sign up for this head back to the home page of my website, enter your name and email address so we can be legit.
Anyway, the truth… You want it. I got it. Martyr Mom sounds like a lot of fun; right? She sounds noble. Running from school to school, dropping off lunches, being class mom, doing homework, giving baths, cleaning ears and asses. The real key to being a martyr mom though--No matter what she NEVER E V E R finds time for herself. How else would the world see your value if you don’t show them the work you do as a mother is so laborious that you don’t even have time to give a shit about yourself?
Discover & share this Funny GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.
Who's that man? Oh... he represents everyone's inner face while you talk about all your sacrifices as a mother and run around like a crazy person. And listen. Y'all know I don't give a lot of weight to what other people think, but this Martyr Mom Mania speaks volumes about what you think about you. Let's see if I can help. I wonder if one post will do. I have a feeling we'll have to come back together for another round or two before we can knock this thing out.
You were not born a mother... Nor were you born to be a mother.
I don't care. I don't care. I said it. I mean it. The ownership that humankind has taken over the female body is astounding. The world has said, "You are female. You have a uterus. You must have a baby. Go forth!" We push baby dolls in the arms of our daughters and call them "Mommy" to those babies. I wonder what would happen if we overwhelmingly bought them stethoscopes and called them doctor or placed airplanes in their arms and called them First Officer. Hmmm...
I digress. And to be clear I do not identify as a feminist #NoShade. It's just... I find it sad that a woman could wake up every day and see motherhood as the only thing providing purpose in her life. First, there a many, many women who have chosen not to be mothers. That number is growing every day. Their personal choice to have a child free life does not minimize them any more than it maximizes you. There is so much more to you than your biological capabilities. So, yeah... I'm a mother. It is one of the greatest joys of my life. Still, it is not my life. I refuse to be defined by my role as a mother. You should too. Find out who you are at the very core. I promise you you won't find a mother in that space.
REFLECTION IS THE KEY TO ALL UNDERSTANDING
I wish I could solve this Martyr Mom Mania in one blog post, but it ain't gonna happen. Frankly, it deserves more time and space. Discussing this phenomenon will be illuminating for us all. We need a cure. What drives women to give up themselves in the name of motherhood? Why is that lauded? Where do we learn this behavior? How can we unlearn it? How do we compartmentalize the many pieces and layers that make us who we are without dishonoring our true selves? How have you sacrificed yourself for the sake of motherhood? What effect did you experience as a result? Take some time to reflect on these questions. Pick one or two and journal about them. I wonder what you'll find out about you. Hey... love y'all. This is us on our journey to #ChooseYou. Until next time.
I’m not here because I’m an expert. I’m here because I have experiences -Stephanie
